* Profile *

Name: Amanda Mary Anne Properzi
Alias: Shinigami, Twisted Neko, Amanda-Panda, Tiny.
Age: 20
Birthday: 11/11/85
Zodiac: Scorpio.
Chinese Zodiac: Ox.
Favourite Food: Sushi, Junior Mints, Strawberry Pocky.
Least Favourite Food: Green beans.
Enjoys: Games, Manga, Friends, Pandas.
Hates: Snakes.
Current Obsession: Katamari.
Excited for: Japan trip!

* Blogs *

Amanda (old)
Brenna
Brock
Chris
Denby
Kyle
Melissa
Lance
Ven

* Links *

Blue-Period
JPQueen
Manga Jouhou
PandaCam
Shoujomagic
10K Commotion

* Archives *

September 2004

October 2004

November 2004

December 2004

January 2005

February 2005

March 2005

April 2005

May 2005

June 2005

July 2005

September 2005

October 2005

November 2005

December 2005

January 2006

February 2006

March 2006

April 2006

* Wednesday, December 28, 2005 *

"They told me I was mistaken, infatuated, and I was afraid to trust my hunches. Now I am ready" ~ Hikaru Utada

Current Song: Hikaru Utada - Exodus '04
Current Mood: Sad

I was in a wonderful mood yesterday and I couldn't think of a bloody thing to write, now I'm miserable and I want to type in large angry capital letters and what not.

So I turned my kyute blog into an angst outlet! Exactly what I said I wouldn't do >.< I should probably reopen my livejournal and make it "friends only" because I don't know who's reading this mocking my poor self.

Despite a bunch of minor set backs, I have wonderful plans to make tasty lasagna... I just need to focus on that! I hope Safeway sells lasagna pans >.< I don't fancy going halfway across the city for it.

*Sigh* I don't know why I always feel like the one who fucks up...I don't think I do anything wrong...>.<>.<>.<

I feel better already though, just getting this out~ I really do need a paper journal though because I have so much more to say, it's just private.

Also, I need to learn to stop taking every kind gesture that comes in my direction to have some kind of significance, I keep getting shot down. It's like I sabotage my own happiness.

On the bright side, I rekindled some old friendships~ With chocolate, Spiffy and Will~ Well, chocolate didn't ever really leave me, but now I appreciate the endorphins it gives me~ Spiff and Will I just randomly stopped talking to over the summer, but in my loneliness I started talking to them again, and that happies me. Also, a new record, I liked my body for a total of one day. Maybe next week I'll like it for two days.

*In the future* I feel better now, I sort of wrote this and became happier again. So yeah... *shrugs*

Posted by Amanda at 12:52 PM

* Saturday, December 24, 2005 *

The Most Horrible Kissmas Ever...

Current Song: Nothing
Current Mood: Miserable.

Wow...I thought I would become happier returning home and taking a break from my new house...but it's actually made it worse. I desire nothing more that to go home and fall asleep on the floor (That's where I sleep when I'm alone in the house...it's a bit odd...but it's the only thing that cures my insomnia)

So yeah...I come home and there's a fancy line of gingerbread houses all made up. I'm bloody haunted by gingerbread houses. I wanted nothing more than to make an awesome gingerbread house and then my dreams were crushed and ruined by bloody everyone! It's so silly really...I mean, it's a silly novelty...but I just really wanted to have fun and celebrate christmas somehow. Now the thought of making a gingerbread house makes me nautious...funny eh? I don't think I've actually gotten sick from depression since a very long time ago. The problem is is I can't even hide this depression...I'm always on the verge of tears and I look like a drug addict. How in the world am I supposed to be normal if I can't even successfully be pleasant around people anymore?

I can't say I've given up on love at this point, I think it exists...but I doubt it exists for me since all the guys that I genuinly pursued in the past have all come from the same breed of male. What's wrong with me? I figure the better people know me, the less they like me but I just want to know what it is. I mean, I don't think I'm extraordinairly pretty or smart...but I'm not ugly or dumb... I know I make mistakes and I might not be of any special ethnicity... but I'm a really good person. I've never done anything bad...I would never willingly hurt anyone...I would never cheat...I'm fairly honest, maybe too honest...and I really like to communicate. Still, why is there always someone else? Obviously, not everyone can like me... but the only men I attract are the ones that don't interest me. The ones I do are obsessed with sex. I don't understand what's so great about sex...all it's ever done is cause me grief all for that one moment of pleasure.

Despite all these things I think are good about myself, I still hate myself beyond all reason. I hate how independent I'm capable of being. I guess men don't like that. I don't need to be coddled and walked home. I don't need men to pay for me. But...I like it... I like being taken out on dates...but I'm also happy with just playing videogames....that doesn't mean I don't like being taken out though. I can carry burden all by myself, doesn't mean I don't want help sometimes. I can't cook and I'm not very tidy...but it doesn't mean I can't learn. Maybe I'm opinionated and am willing to share that opinion but isn't that better than bottling it up and letting it get worse and worse with time? I am a jealous person but that's only because I hate myself and think that at any moment someone better can (and apparently does) come along.

Blarg...I really need a journal of some sort then I can just write all of this terrible garbage in their rather than burdening my kyute blog with all this angst... Everything will get better in the end...it's just that the hard part is that I have to get over all of this by myself...*dies* I sort of miss the day when shopping would solve all of my problems but I have no desire to go shop for clothes or really leave the apartment anymore...I want to stay in bed all day long. That time in the morning when you just wake up but you just lie there is my favourite and I want to stay in that moment forever since your still high on whatever dream you just had and you don't have to face whatever bad luck is waiting for me...but then I get hungry...*sigh*

Well, I gotta go. Need to play some DS until I pass out.

Posted by Amanda at 11:57 PM

* Tuesday, December 20, 2005 *

I'm still alive >.<

Current Song: Duran Duran - Girls on Film
Current Mood: Depressed, unfortunately.

So, for those who don't know, I've moved. I live just off of Whyte Ave. which is pretty exciting and expensive (since there's nothing to stop me from slipping over to that chapters and pouring out my life spendings on reading about fictional people's very exciting love lives...yes, I've become a whore for a good romance...nothing corny though.)

Oh yeah, I don't have internet...so alot of people probably haven't seen me online for a very long time. I'm commandeering Morgan's laptop with infinitely better internet connectivity than mine. I figure he won't mind since he's probably elbow deep in tasty ginger bread house and cute happy japanese girl goodness while I sit at home like a wretched angry hippopotamus of some sort...though I smell faintly of mangos...*smells hands* Anyways, Lance is coming over to keep me company...I have a hard time writing essays when I'm alone since there's no one to motivate my writing.

I have like two essays due in two days and I can't think of a bloody thing to write about. I'm hoping that babbling in my blog will help spark the writer that went on vacation sometime after grade 12 and never came back. I suppose I sold my creativity to the devil for...well, I don't know what the hell I got out of the deal.

Unfortunately, on the 22nd, I can't go to the dinner with all you blokes. I need to start somewhat saving my money and you conviniently planned this day the day before payday >.< So yeah, I'll sit at home all by my lonesome self and um...play animal crossing. Though even the people in my animal crossing town are dicks to me. They're like "Hey Li'l P (they nicknamed me), you should go back on your diet, you're looking a little pudgy" Like...wtf? Even AC knows that I'm getting fat. *sob* Which I am...but oddly not from eating too much, I don't eat enough I think and when I do eat it's um...cereal...and ichiban...there's like no protein in my diet and my metabolism probably slowed to dangerous rates.

What else what else... I guess... not alot.

Oh anyone who involved with the exciting of my exciting shoujo manga life...well, it's over. Nothing works out. I guess I've only been reading the shoujo manga with happy endings...because the sad ones were always so boring and blah >.< Oh well, such is life and it goes on.

I suppose it's all karma really. Bad things happen to bad people, and believe me when I say I haven't been a very good person. Oh well. I figure I'll knit some swatches of blanket and donate them to "Blankets for Canada" and feel better about myself again...if only I had any motivation to do anything...at all. I honestly just feel like...curling up and sleeping. I could sleep the whole day away...but I can't sleep at night when I really really want to sleep. Not fair >.<

I should go do some research for my essays. I feel better now that I've rambled. Though I'm very hungry which makes essays hard to write...*sigh* My tummy keeps grumbling and I can only eat so many oranges a day to make it shut up.

End of Line

Posted by Amanda at 3:16 PM

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