Tagged: twilight lulz

You knew there’d be a countdown.

Tuesday, June 16, 2009 -- 11:27 pm
Mood: 03 Impatient

Gahhh! Still forty-four days until house possession *angst* but thankfully only two days until house inspection, which will be the only time between now and then that I'll be allowed back into the shiny eventually-to-be-ours new home! I will have a mere three-ish hours to bask and take pictures and measure out rooms! D: *Grasps camera and measuring tape determinedly*

I went to the an SPCA volunteer orientation session tonight and signed up for four different possible programs to take part in~ I didn't realize what a long process applying to be a volunteer was -- I submitted my application at the end of May, just got into the orientation today, and probably won't hear back from the organizer until mid-July. I thought I would already be swimming in puppies, kitties, and piles of furry bunnies by now, but I guess that's the way the cookie crumbles. Apparently since they opened the new location (omg such a nice building, the open house was awesome~) they've had an insane outpouring of new volunteer support so I have to wait my turn. It both saddens me to wait but makes me extremely happy to know so many people want to lend a hand. X3

I've recently finished two books: The Boy in the Striped Pajamas by John Boyne, which was short and simple, but truely superb (I highly recommend this book -- it's such an easy read but has such an impact); and Picture Perfect by Jodi Picoult. It was all right, though t's not one of her better books that I've read; maybe because it was an earlier work -- or maybe because the lead male character reminds me so much Edward freaking Cullen that I want to hurl it across the room. Oh look at me, I'm so perfectly perfect and gorgeous, but behind this peckish godly exterior hides an abusive, broody (and amazingly annoying) MONSTERRRRRR, arrrrr! All it needs is a little veggie vampirism thrown in and they could be a pair of most likely very dysfunctional twins.

Countdown until shiny exciting house possession: 44 (I think I may go crazy)

Maybe everything starting with “Twi” is just doomed to be undeservedly overhyped?

Tuesday, March 17, 2009 -- 10:37 pm
Mood: 13 Tired

Dear angry teens:

If you would like me to post your anti-Twilight rants in the front page article section -- which I'd be more than happy to do simply for the uproar and fangirly angst that it would stir -- please try to make a half-decent submission that doesn't break every spelling and grammar rule in existence. (Despite what you may think, netspeak is not an acceptable form of English.) Also preferably a submission that is more than two sentences long. (Extra exclamation points do not count towards your word count.) I am always up for spreading more LULz at the expense of Stephanie Meyer and the Twilight series, but I can't do so when you don't put in any effort!

On the related note of Twilight fuckwittage: If Twilight Were 10 Times Shorter and 100 Times More Honest

So I've been badgered into taking a trip on the Twitter bandwagon. I made a deal that I'd use it for a week and I'm on my fifth day and am still not quite sure what the whole point of Twitter is. I'm trying, I really am. *Squints* Wait, is that... Nope. Sorry. Don't see it.

I don't understand why people are flocking towards this awkward and somewhat useless middle ground between blogging and Facebooky social networking. I particularly dislike the part of this week-long deal where I'm being forced in turn to follow every Tom, Dick, and Sally that randomly decides to follow me. I don't understand. I don't know these people. I don't care what they're thinking, doing, or saying through out the day. Why are strangers following my Twitter feed in the first place? D:

The only Twitterism that I've grown fond of is the handy ability to immediately update my Facebook status straight from the Twitter app on my desktop. That's cool. I also like the idea of being able to include a widget on the side of my blog that shows my recent updates. Basically I like and will probably continue using anything involving it that directly relates to updating or displaying my Facebook status, which essentially is all Twitter really is. Starting Friday though, I'm cleaning out my spammed-to-hell Twitter friend list.

I didn't get to play any Guild Wars tonight, which I'm very sad about. :c I really need to buy a cheap computer headset. Playing in a party that I can't talk outloud to directly is really hard; I don't know where people are, or what they're doing, or what I'm supposed to be doing! There's not exactly a lot of time to spare to type out game plans while you're being mauled by a fucking gang bang of vicious skale monsters, you know?

For Amy:

Thursday, December 4, 2008 -- 12:55 pm
Mood: 02 Recovering from LULz

Operation "Sneak into Twilight" was flawless and we cackled triumphantly in all of our very nerdy glory. The movie was hilarious, and I don't think any review I could give would really do it justice. My sister manages quite nicely though in her own review on her LiveJournal. I have no doubt that our constant whispering and giggles enraged the fangirl sitting behind us in the theater, but I also am fairly certain we weren't the only ones there just to witness the crackfest for what it really was because there were very obvious sniggers and guffaws coming from other rows of seats ahead of us.

The only improvement over the book was Charlie's character. They gave him some personality for the movie and he was entertaining to watch as the concerned father sneaking bottles of bear spray into his daughter's bag before she leaves the house. :D I have to admit that Alice was adorable, and both her and Jasper really should have gotten more screen time, instead of just momentary flashes of Jasper's deer-in-the-headlights expression.

I was relieved to see that they took the liberty of stretching the tissue-paper thin plot from the last quarter of the book to actually span the entire movie. I was also thankful that Bella didn't narrate the entire film from start to finish or else my head probably would have exploded every time the voice over was forced to remind us how apparently *cough*"beautiful"*cough* Robert Pattinson was as Edward with his outrageously silly poofy hair and disturbing layer of ruby lipstick. *Claws eyes out with a spoon*

Further poking with sharp sticks.

Thursday, October 23, 2008 -- 12:50 pm
Mood: 09 Lunch time. Craving my Oreo Cakesters.

If you're like me and after reading Twilight now refuse to touch the rest of the series that follows (for fear of brain melting), check out these recaps of books 2, 3, and 4's fuckwittery, simply to justify that you're not missing anything remotely worth while. In the words of the reviewer, they're LOLarious. *Steals fabulous word* You will blanch with horror at the so-extra-special badness of Breaking Dawn chapter 18. "THERE ARE NO WORDS FOR THIS" indeed.

Also a concise and amusing catalog of Twilight FAILS, funny because it's so true.

On a different note, I am so excited for next week's episode of House. Gregorz and Cuddy, getting it on~ I demand hot Hugh Laurie face-suckage. :3

Okay and I occasionally venture into the User Art forum here at work, and I've got to say... Kids have a weird impression of art these days -- it's very disturbing. No lie, most of the things in there scare the shit out of me. Then again these are the same individuals who are calling chapter 18 of Breaking Dawn "beautiful". D:

SPROOOOIIING~!

Saturday, October 11, 2008 -- 2:23 pm
Mood: 07 Admiring pretty new hair~

That is the sound I like to imagine my hair making when it's done up in marvelous and adorable ringlets!

I love it, it's so bouncy and springy~ It thankfully didn't flatten much when I slept on it last night. I think I may need to buy one of those fancy curling irons that Coleen used so I can learn to do it myself. :3

The new Twilight trailer it out, and it is full of LULz. We're most definitely sneaking into this movie because it's going to be hilarious.

Twilight: a lesson in cheese.

Saturday, August 16, 2008 -- 3:04 pm
Mood: 14 I stand here in awe and disbelief.

So after being hounded over and over again by the world at large, I finally sucked it up and read the first novel in the Twilight series by Stephenie Meyer; the series that is reportedly supposed to be the next Harry Potter, so declared by millions of swooning, gibbering teen fangirls worldwide. Despite the hysterical mockery and roasts I've heard from highly literary individuals by contrast, I burrowed into the book with an optimistic and open frame of mind.

(If you are a fan of Twilight, feel free to stop reading now; because while I'm not intentionally gunning to directly offend anyone and their respective choice of reading material -- everyone has different tastes, and I suppose this novel has it's own particular...flavor -- the following will most likely not endear me to you at all.)

I am in no way a book critic by nature or by hobby. I am not an English Major or have any sort of literary degree whatsoever, and I probably wouldn't know how to even review a novel in a clear, succinct way -- but I recognize good writing when I read it, and so with that in mind I just have to come out and say it.

I have no idea how this book got published.

Twilight is a mess. I'm sorry, it just is. It reads like nothing more than a piece of novel-length fanfiction dressed in shiny soft-cover packaging. I'm not even fully convinced how it passed over the desk of a professional editor. I'm not nitpicking at a lack of grammatical proofing or spell checking -- the capital letters and commas are all where they should be; but what Twilight is missing is substance. There is no story here at all. They took the classic idea of a romance between girl and monster...and then forgot to do anything with it! I was more than half way through the book and THERE WAS NO PLOT. It had been 300 pages so far of Bella lusting after Edward's unbelievable beauty and nothing else. Bella being your average idiot teenage girl and Edward being a self-absorbed prick of a vampire is not plot, it's circumstance. For god's sake, the book is 498 pages long and any actual shape or form of a story doesn't begin until the introduction of James and Co. on page 375.

*Deep breath* Okay, that's out of the way. Now I can nitpick.

By the end of the fourth chapter, was anyone else as absolutely sick of hearing how stunningly beautiful Edward freaking Cullen is? SERIOUSLY. The reason the first 300 plus pages of the book was missing any type of plot was because it was too busy describing Edward's face, Edward's body, Edward's eyes, Edward's smooth-as-honey voice over and over and over. "Perfect perfect perfect beautiful stunning gorgeous dazzling perfect perfect BLAH BLAH BLAH." We get it. You don't have to remind us on every page and with every thought that goes through Bella's head. DEAR GOD.

Bella herself is...well, just sort of there. I don't really mind her either way, I simply don't find her very interesting. At times through out the book she suffers from being a border-line Mary Sue (so popular! so pretty! so smart! Simply being clumsy does not a good character flaw make.) For the most part she's really just your average, really stupid teenage girl in love for the first time, who dramatizes the world and overreacts to everything. She has possibly the worst name ever for a character, by the way: "Beautiful Swan". *Rolls eyes*

On the other hand, Edward was both spectacularly boring and annoying. I don't understand why the teen fangirls of the world unitedly foam at the mouth at the pure thought of this character. There is not a thing about Edward Cullen that is not the definition of the Gary Stu mold. "Ooh, aren't I so cryptic and graceful and deeply intense? Watch me be devilishly charming in a scoop-you-up-in-my-arms sort of way, oh and did I mention I have pretty handwriting, mind-reading abilities, and can fly through the trees like Superman? I can do no wrong. Ho ho." Smug bastard. He does nothing but show off.

It's as if Mrs. Meyer was trying to pull off the brooding, self-sacrificing character of Angel from Buffy the Vampire Slayer and completely missed the mark. Edward isn't tortured. He's an angst bucket, and a bipolar angst bucket at that: "Don't be friends with me! Be friends with me! Get away, I'm too dangerous! Hey ho~ come to Seattle with me~!" WTF. You giant prat. You claim to love and care about this girl soooo much -- and yet you won't man up and do what's best for her? You voluntarily put her in danger all the time because you're too selfish to make the tough decision that she obviously can't. Edward doesn't have the excuse of being a naive teen, he's 90 freaking years old. Grow a pair of fucking balls, you goober. You disgust me.

Oh, and did I mention that Edward's skin sparkles "like thousands of tiny diamonds" when he's out in the sunshine? SPARKLES. LITERALLY.

Off the topic of wonderful Mr. Ed, another tiny reoccuring aspect of Twilight that irked me was how Bella continuously referred off and on to her parents by their first names. Now and I know that all families are different, but how often do you really come across a kid who by all accounts appears to have a healthy relationship with both her biological parents, and yet has the habit of calling them "Charlie" and "Renee"? o_O

Okay and where the hell did the author learn to use a computer? In chapter 7 when Bella is researching vampires on the mighty intraweb, Meyer must have had only a fleeting one-on-one prior experience with the world wide web when she wrote this scene, because she apparently thinks internet = pop-up advertising. An internet browser does not come with pop-up ads when you open the application; and last time I checked, there were no pop-up ads on Google either. The only theory I can come up with to explain these non-stop ads is that Bella's computer must be an all-in-one veritable porn site in itself.

Finally, the whole hysterical mess that makes up Twilight is not helped by the fact that the author can't write an ounce of dialogue or detailed description that is not cheese-stuffed -- and not even in a "hilariously funny-bad" sort of way, but in a "I have to take a break from reading this book and wipe up what's left of my brain that's begun dribbling out of my ears" sort of way.

I don't know, maybe it's just been too long since I've read a book that hasn't been written for adults. Was all the old teen trash I used to read as a kid this bad, and I just never noticed? Either way, I will not be reading the rest of the Twilight series. I wish Mrs. Meyer all the luck in raking in the money she is no doubt making off of it, and can only hope that her experience goes to imbue promising hope to all upcoming writers that anyone can somehow fluke out and get their work published.