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Where is Dana fucking White.
Dreadful agonizing fear.The following is the one and only positively rad bear-related portion part of this blog post:
| Me: | @danawhite I had a dream where I was being attacked by bears and you came in and were all "I'll handle this" and fought them off, saving me. |
| Me: | @danawhite Long story short -- you're sort of my hero. |
| *No reply for many days* | |
| Me: | No reply from @danawhite in response to my msg about dreaming that he saved me from a bear. I think I may have made him uncomfortable. |
| Me: | Or perhaps @danawhite was in fact in real life bear battle and was brutally mauled? Bear fighting prowess does not exist beyond dreams? |
| Dana White: | I didn't see it. Glad I could help :) |
| Me: | @danawhite Huzzuh! Glad to hear you were not in fact mauled by angry bears. Rock on. |
| Dana White: | lol |
\o/
I am having serious doubts about this mountain camping trip. I was having doubts before, but after reading Fairfax Lake's far too convenient "Bear Smart e-Book" I feel like I'm mere moments away from a panic attack at the thought of driving four hours away tomorrow just to camp at some backwater mountain campground with a chance of bear encounters and "serious mauling" (the e-book's words, not mine) thrown in. There is something we have termed the "Brenna bubble" and bears are not a part of that bubble.
If you can't already tell, I have a pretty solid history -- which I believe I genetically inherited in some fashion from my mother -- of being terrified of bears. I have never seen one up close, but I positively, 100% sure, instinctively know that if I ever do I will end up dead. Watching The Edge when I was younger was like sitting through my own personal 2-hour nightmare.
If I end up actually going tomorrow I'm not even going to be able to walk to the bathroom alone. I will be a campsite Nazi. "DID YOU PUT AWAY ALL YOUR FOOD INTO THE CAR?!" "YOU CAN'T GO TO BED IN THE SAME CLOTHES YOU COOKED DINNER IN!!!" "IS THAT TOOTHPASTE I SEE IN YOUR TENT?!" Oh god. Hated and shunned by close friends, or hideous bear mauling? What do I do, what do I do, what do I do.
:x
Who the hell is Dana White?
You should just relax and make a checklist for bear-tasks. You'll make less mistakes if you don't stress about it.
If it has a hump, make a lump - if it's black, fight back. I was also told, if it's brown, hit the ground - but that doesn't work because black bears can also be brown. There's a big difference between a grizzly and a black bear though!
Don't leave your food out (either hang it up between two trees or put it in your car), don't shower or wear scented items. Make a lot of noise when you're walking through the bushes. Don't play with baby bears. It's mostly common sense. Bears are more afraid of you than you are of them though - more people die in car accidents than bear attacks. Actually, humans probably kill more bears than bears kill humans - so really, who's the monster?
Bears are pretty much by favourite animal though! I lurve them.
Dana White is the current president of the UFC, and happened to play the part of a very bad ass, heroic bear fighter in a dream that I had a couple of years ago (and thus have harbored a bit of a crush on him.)
And oh, fear not the checklist. *Waves printed out e-book with many a checklist that she will carry with her everywhere she goes*
If I'm not back by midnight on Sunday evening, assume I've been eaten and send a recovery party, will you?