Choosing to butt in vs. keeping your opinion to yourself.
Mood: 
Contemplative
ContemplativeI overheard an interesting conversation on the bus today.
We're almost at my stop and a lady gets on the bus talking on a cellphone, arguing to someone on the other end and seeming to concede to the argument by saying that she'd buy them a pack of smokes when she got home. She snaps shut the phone and sort of rolls her eyes, laughs, and says something along the lines of "Teens, they'll suck you dry of every penny you've got."
At this the bus driver gives her this look and remarks: "Why are you buying cigarettes for a kid anyway?" She laughs and says "Oh no, don't worry, he just turned 18."
Driver: "Smoking's not good for you."
Woman: "Oh no, (laughs), I would never smoke."
Driver: "So why is it okay for your kid to?"
They sort of went on like that back and forth for another minute or two as we came up to my stop, with the driver berating her for buying her kid, despite his age, cigarettes; the woman just sort of nodding in agreement and awkwardly laughing this impromptu scolding off. I'm not sure how it resolved because I got off at my stop, but as I was stepping off the driver stops me and says "Would you buy a kid smokes?" to which my response was an honest though somewhat nervous leave-me-outta-this: "No."
I thought about it as I walked home and couldn't decide whether the remarks the driver had made were completely out of line or in fact justified in a strange way. Being as reserved and soft-spoken as I am in public, I would never have dared openly scold a stranger about something that wasn't my business; and I have to admit that as the argument carried on I was sitting there with my mental jaw hanging to floor thinking "Whoa, that's a little rude..." When he asked my opinion on the matter I felt distinctly uncomfortable about getting involved.
Rudeness is a big pet peeve of mine and I was appalled at the way this man just stuck his nose into a stranger's life -- yet all the while I was sitting there thinking the exact same thing as the driver... and a part of me couldn't help but admire someone for speaking up. Yes, the individual in question is 18 and is legally entitled to make his own choices -- but does that necessarily mean a parent should condone and enable those choices? And if not, is a stranger then (within reason) rightfully entitled to intercede by calling them out on this fault?
This isn't about smoking vs. non-smoking specifically, I reference it as an example in regards to a broader, more general concept. How different is it from the frustration you feel when you hear stories of family or friends knowingly giving their loved ones money they know will be used for drugs? Turning a blind eye to an account of bullying and harassment of a classmate in a school? Pretending to look the other way when you see a man and woman screaming profanities and crude names and physically smacking one another right over the head of their poor two-year-old daughter? Shouldn't someone speak up?
I'm interested to hear what other people think. Is it justified to cast judgment down on someone you don't even know about their own lives and choices when you genuinely feel that it's on behalf of the well being of another? In this particular case, a mother more or less condoning and encouraging behavior that is detrimental to her son, no matter his age? Or should we all just keep our traps shut and mind our own business?
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When the fuck did everyone become so afraid of having and, more importantly, voicing their opinions?
This bus driver is righteous and awesome. The woman got what was coming to her the moment she rolled her eyes and flippantly dismissed paying for the kids cigarettes. If she didn't want a public opinion on the matter she shouldn't have brought it up publicly.
There is definitely merit in not being rude about voicing your opinions, something I am certainly terrible for, but does that mean you should keep all of your opinions to yourself? Certainly not.
The woman asked for it when she said teens will suck you out of every penny.
If youre going to make a comment like that, you better be ready for someones opinion of what you just said.
If she didnt say anything after hanging up her phone, then the bus driver would be rude for just busting in with no opening.
He did the right thing - if she knows smoking is bad then why encourage your kid to do it? Shes a fucking idiot and the bus driver put her in her place.
But the lady was on her phone, talking to her family. While the bus driver has the right to speak up, the incident in no way affects him. We aren't all going to live life the same way. If I see someone getting beaten up or robbed, I'll go do something about it. But if it's something like buying their kid cigarettes, then that's up to the family. I don't care if the kid smokes. I don't care if the mother is endorsing it. Were she buying smokes for my kid, then I would stop her.
And voicing opinions is all well and good, but just because you have the opportunity to, doesn't mean you should. If someone came up to me and said "I find your shoes offensive." I would reply, "Oh, okay. That's fine." If he kept pressing the matter, I would think he was an asshole. It's not like this lady said "Hey everyone on the bus, what do you think of this?" She was just finishing her phone conversation.
What if you had just ordered a pizza, and the second you hung up the phone, the person behind you was like, "Pineapple is disgusting. Are you really going to buy that for your family? That's just gross." So on and so on. The only way to get through life is by worrying about yourself.
I'm by no means afraid of voicing my opinion, but I realize that my opinion only matters to people that know who I am and actually care what I have to say. Random stranger on the bus doesn't care what I think about smoking, so I'll end up being that weird dude on the bus talking out of turn.
On that note, maybe the kid used to be on drugs. I know plenty of people that are overcoming drug addictions by moving to cigarettes. I know it's not any better, but it's keeping them off the drugs and in a real job. Perhaps the kid was in danger of a relapse.
There's no point in having an opinion if you're uninformed. Well, you can have the opinion, but it's usually worthless to anyone who isn't you.
You see? I agree with points from all three of you! D: I think that if someone feels they need to intercede that they need to handle the situation and their words with tact and respect; and I honestly do believe that there are situations where if no one else is coming to the plate that someone -- even a stranger -- should step up.
I think that, depending on the situation (Vance brings up an excellent point with the smoking for a recovering drug addict) you need to keep in mind that you don't know the details, and could potentially be righteously wading into something completely uninformed, and in turn, wrongly. Again, I think this varies strongly on the encounter itself and how much you may believe that the well being of another is actually being threatened or not.
Just to clarify, this post in specifically aimed at the situation where a third party could conceivably in jeopardy from a person's actions, whether that be mentally, physically, or emotionally. Anything minor for the most part, like randomly insulting a stranger's shoes, is just plain rude IMO and they should go fuck themselves. :P
I would never try and tell someone how to parent. I would only stand up and say something if there were abuse involved. My parents allowed me to drink before it was legal; I'm sure some people would call that bad parenting, but many would disagree. There's no real right or wrong in how to raise your children, just a big grey area with varying shades of light and dark. Everyone has different values and raise their children according to them.
The lady did invite the conversation in, and it just made sense for the bus driver to give his opinion, given the direction the conversation went. I'm a fan of minding my own business, although it's mainly because I don't like confrontation. I've heard grade 8 girls sitting on the bus discussing the sex they've had (which I fundamentally disagree with). It's not my business to mother them, that's their mothers' jobs. I hear people talking about doing drugs (which I fundamentally disagree with) but it's not my business to act as their moral guide. People are perfectly capable of making their own choices, and they definitely wouldn't like me butting in and telling them how to run their lives. I definitely wouldn't. I believe in tolerance of different attitudes and cultures, except when it violates basic human rights ie. abuse.
Just my 2 cents. :)
There's nothing wrong with being wrong.
If you have one person berating a person for letting their kids smoke, you'll have someone else berating them for not going to church, or voting Liberal, or having premarital sex. I think there's a limit to how much you can try to superimpose your value systems on someone else. I think the line should be about where things stop being legal--if it's legal, stop trying to get strangers to stop doing it. If it's not legal, then use your judgement on whether voicing your opinion will get you knifed and beaten.
If it's not legal, then use your judgement on whether voicing your opinion will get you knifed and beaten.
Truth. *LOL*